I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I can't even explain what's gone on lately. I missed you guys!
Anyway, I'm going to talk about how I feel right now.
I don't even know how I feel honestly, I'm scared, and sad, and anxious. I've been living at my "friend's" house all break, but school starts up again and I don't know how to handle being apart again. He's the only constant thing in my life and for the past three weeks I've fallen asleep and woken up in his arms. It's not that I don't want to be at home right now, because I don't mind. It's just that I can't handle my mother's subttle jabs at me all the time, I'm sure she thinks it's helping me or something, but I don't like it. I can't handle her constant comments about weight, self-injury, and suicide. I know she's just trying to get something out of me, but I'm not okay with this method of "talking". It makes me feel terrible. And the way she just lets my brother call me whatever he wants is crazy. Does she think I like being called "Fatty" "Lard butt" "Fat lard" "Waste" "Emo fat girl" "Fatty McFat Fat"? I constantly ask them both to cut it out but they don't see that I'm serious. I get enough of that in public, I don't want to hear it at home also. It's too much for me to handle most days and I end up hiding cuts the next morning. Not to mention puking up all the food she makes me eat. It's no wonder I don't like to be home. But that leads her to make comments like "It's un-lady-like for you to be spending so much time at the boy's house. People will think you're a whore." "I don't even see why you like him so much, he's just a waste of time. You know he doesn't care about you." . I just don't know how to survive without him here anymore, I mean I know skyping is great, but he can't hold me and tell me it'll all be okay. He can't fall asleep on my chest and show me what love's like. I can't wake him up at 3am when I've had a terrible dream and can't sleep. I never thought I'd let myself get this co-dependent, but I only feel safe with him. He understands I get anxiety attacks, and he knows I battle myself to keep food down. He's seen the scars on my body and loved me anyway. I've seen him drink more than any one person should. I've taken him to the hospital when he got into a fight. I was the one he called when his grandpa passed away and he needed someone. I don't see myself getting anywhere without him. But the fact is, he's off again, and I'm trapped without a lifeline. I don't know how to feel. I don't even know how to exist. I just know it's going to be a long year without him :/
It's not that simple. You can't just "recover". All the people who "have the best intentions" for me don't understand what they're talking about.
You can't just eat something and be cured of an eating disorder, and you can't just decide that you're better. You can't make it that easy. The binge and purging, the restricting and all the tips and tricks, it's always tempting to relapse.
You can't just decide not to be suicidal, it's not a choice. You don't just choose to hate every single thing about yourself. When you're dreams are better than your reality, it's a battle everyday.
You can't simply stop cutting. Not when you've made it a habit. Not when it's so familiar, and so easy. That's not how it works.
They don't understand how everyday is a challenge. How you always have to fight those destructive thoughts, it takes so much work. It's so tiring. It's enough to make you just give in, or give up. They don't understand that I'm trying. I'm so tired of trying though. It's so hard to make things become all better.
This is it. Today is day one of the rest of my life. I tried so hard not to let yesterday's mistakes negatively impact me, and I think I'm doing okay so far. I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday, we're still not talking, but I don't know how long it'll last. I thought about texting him, and I hope he thought about me, but I didn't and he didn't so we haven't talked since our big argument. :/
I kind of acted on impulse today and I pierced my belly button. It didn't hurt that much, or bleed, so I guess I'm okay for now. I used sterilized needles and such, and I use clean jewlery, so I'm pretty sure it won't get infected. I also have soap from when I got my nose pierced, and sea salt from when I got my lip pierced. Anyway, I think I'm going to be okay.
I made a list of things I want to change about myself:
1) lose weight.
2 )go out more/make some friends
3) learn to love myself...
4) learn to forgive myself
5) stop worrying about what everyone thinks
6) help my mom out more
Those are the important ones, so I think I'll try to keep them. I really want to improve.
Anyways, thanks for reading, love from the moon and back,
As a warning note: Don't preach at me, and don't judge me. I already know I'm a mistake.
I went to a guy's house earlier, and we talked for a while. Then he turned the lights out and it all went so fast after that. We did it. I lost my virginity to him. He looked so disappointed afterwards but we talked about tv shows, and laughed at jokes, and then 10 minutes later I decided it was a good time to leave. He asked for a hug before I left and told me to walk safely going home. Then, on my walk he texted and said how sorry he was. I said I was sorry too because I could've stopped it. He said he didn't mean to and I asked if we were okay, like as friends. I said I'm sorry I hurt him. He said he was fine, that I hurt someone else, and I asked if he had a girlfriend. He said no, but they really liked each other. Now, an hour later, I feel terrible and he keeps telling me how he likes her. I feel terrible. I feel like shit and he know it. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I feel like hurting myself. I have before. I'm just experiencing so many emotions and I don't have anyone to talk to. So here I am. I don't know what to do. I can't call him, he called his friends and they left out of town. We used a condom, but I'm still scared I'll get pregnant. We're not ready to be parents. We're not. I'm not. I still have two years of high school and he's leaving for college soon. I'm so scared. I can't tell my mom either. She'd never look at me the same. She'd never let me be friends with him again (even though we already might be over). I don't know what to do. I start my period around the tenth and it's the first right now. Should I just wait and see if I get my period? What if I don't though? If I'm pregnant I don't know what to do, he'll hate me more than he already does. He won't want anything to do with the baby. I'm so so scared. I'm so stupid. I've never hated myself this much. I've also never gotten into anything I couldn't get out of. I've never felt so alone. I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to read. I'm sorry.
I haven't been on in a while :P things are just really crazy right now. I have way to many choices to make and not enough time to make them, but I guess everyone's busy. Anyways I just wanted to give a quick update about me.
1-I've fallen back into some not so good habits recently.
2-I enrolled in a cosmetology course :D
3-Some people I cared about peaced-out :P
4-I have dedicated myself to arts again and it feels great.
5-I passed my sophomore year of high school :DDDDD
I'll try and be more active on here and I apologize for neglecting this site/blog!
Love from the moon to the dirt,
My mood: very blissful
I know you didn't love me, and I know I didn't love you. Not really love anyway.
I'm so confused though.
You met a girl. You really like this girl. She's super hot and nice.
and you're telling me about her?
i mean I guess it makes sense, since we always tell each other everything.
I just didn't think I'd care this much that you might actually have found someone.
No, that's not even what bugs me, what bugs me is that she might change you.
The way I hoped you'd change for me.
She might make you stop playing people.
She might be more worth it than I ever was.
That's what hurts me.
I don't even know what to say to you...
My mood: extremely devastated
One simple comment sent my world into orbit. I know they didn't mean to do it on purpose, there's no way they could've known.
"Awww, we're gonna make her cut herself. *laughter*"
They were just talking about some of my silly habits and embarrassing me a bit. Not bulling though, just playful, as friends. The only thing is, they don't understand what that means to me. They don't know how much I wish I didn't keep secrets from them. Truth is, I do cut.
I know they said that comment just joking, but it was so hard to pretend like it didn't hurt me. It was so hard to not get mad that they were joking about people who cut. Not one of them understand.
I do more than just cut. I starve, I puke, and I make myself lose any weight I gain. It's pathetic.
My brother doesn't know that I believe what he says.
"You're fat" "You're a fat lard, move." "She doesn't need to eat, she's too fat."
I got found out once, councilors say I've recovered, I've just gotten more careful.
I keep these secrets from them. I let them make comments. What no one knows will kill me one day. One day, people will care.
I loved you. So so much, and you decide i'm not worth it? Is that it? I don't understand. I mean, I truly desire for you to be happy and achieve your dreams, but I honestly though I'd be there with you ever step of the way...no her.
I don't think you understand how terrible I feel right now. I feel like everything I believed in was wrong, I'm so scared, and so lost, and so disappointed. Yet, I still want you to be happy. What's wrong with me? I miss you so much. I guess that doesn't matter though. It's funny how you always swore to protect me, and then you are the one who hurts me the most.
Everything just seems so different now.
My mood: extremely hopeless
Previous PostsM.I.A., posted January 4th, 2013
It's just not that simple., posted June 10th, 2012
Day one., posted June 2nd, 2012
Fatal., posted June 1st, 2012
Sorry I've been slacking on this site., posted May 23rd, 2012
I can't believe it., posted April 19th, 2012
What no one knows, posted April 13th, 2012
I've never felt this terrible., posted April 12th, 2012
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