M.I.A. | loveisanapple's Blog

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I can't even explain what's gone on lately. I missed you guys!

Anyway, I'm going to talk about how I feel right now.
I don't even know how I feel honestly, I'm scared, and sad, and anxious. I've been living at my "friend's" house all break, but school starts up again and I don't know how to handle being apart again. He's the only constant thing in my life and for the past three weeks I've fallen asleep and woken up in his arms. It's not that I don't want to be at home right now, because I don't mind. It's just that I can't handle my mother's subttle jabs at me all the time, I'm sure she thinks it's helping me or something, but I don't like it. I can't handle her constant comments about weight, self-injury, and suicide. I know she's just trying to get something out of me, but I'm not okay with this method of "talking". It makes me feel terrible. And the way she just lets my brother call me whatever he wants is crazy. Does she think I like being called "Fatty" "Lard butt" "Fat lard" "Waste" "Emo fat girl" "Fatty McFat Fat"? I constantly ask them both to cut it out but they don't see that I'm serious. I get enough of that in public, I don't want to hear it at home also. It's too much for me to handle most days and I end up hiding cuts the next morning. Not to mention puking up all the food she makes me eat. It's no wonder I don't like to be home. But that leads her to make comments like "It's un-lady-like for you to be spending so much time at the boy's house. People will think you're a whore." "I don't even see why you like him so much, he's just a waste of time. You know he doesn't care about you." . I just don't know how to survive without him here anymore, I mean I know skyping is great, but he can't hold me and tell me it'll all be okay. He can't fall asleep on my chest and show me what love's like. I can't wake him up at 3am when I've had a terrible dream and can't sleep. I never thought I'd let myself get this co-dependent, but I only feel safe with him. He understands I get anxiety attacks, and he knows I battle myself to keep food down. He's seen the scars on my body and loved me anyway. I've seen him drink more than any one person should. I've taken him to the hospital when he got into a fight. I was the one he called when his grandpa passed away and he needed someone. I don't see myself getting anywhere without him. But the fact is, he's off again, and I'm trapped without a lifeline. I don't know how to feel. I don't even know how to exist. I just know it's going to be a long year without him :/

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Previous Posts
M.I.A., posted January 4th, 2013
It's just not that simple., posted June 10th, 2012
Day one., posted June 2nd, 2012
Fatal., posted June 1st, 2012
Sorry I've been slacking on this site., posted May 23rd, 2012
I can't believe it., posted April 19th, 2012
What no one knows, posted April 13th, 2012
I've never felt this terrible., posted April 12th, 2012

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